Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Pirate News Conference

A spokesman for Somali pirates who hijacked a Ukrainian freighter — which is loaded with tanks, artillery, grenade launchers and ammunition — said today that the group didn’t know the ship was carrying arms when they seized it last week. “We just saw a big ship,” the pirates’ spokesman, Sugule Ali, told the New York Times. “So we stopped it.”
--The New York Times, Sept 30

Somali Pirate News Conference with Sugule Ali

Sugule Ali: Yo ho ho, praise Blackbeard. Please excuse the seating; at the last minute all we could find were the empty rum barrels. Let me start by saying 'Tanks for coming!'


But seriously, like I said yesterday, we really didn't know about the weapons. But let me tell you, that was a nice surprise! [Laughter.] We typically just hijack emergency food shipments and the like. So, this is all new for us, too, mateys. OK, the time is yours.

Reporter 1: How do plan to offload the tanks?

S.A.: Arrrgh! Very carefully! [Laughter.] I'm kidding of course. It goes without saying that the small arms are more our . . . shall we say, booty of choice. The rocket propelled grenades were like the cherry on top of our buccaneer sundae. [Laughter]. You there, landlubber in the back.

Reporter 2: What sort of ransom are you demanding?

S.A.: Got a treasure chest of jewels? [More laughter.] Well, originally we wanted $30 million. But we thought it over, and now, with the U.S. Navy--curse the scurvy dogs--ready to blow us out of the water, we've altered our demands. We'll take ten grand.

Reporter 2: Dollars?

S.A.: No, gold Dubbloons. Yes, of course dollars, you idiot. This credit crisis isn't going to last forever. We might also consider a few hundred barrels of oil. Marine fuel is through the roof.

Reporter 1: Are you still holding hostages?

S.A.: Yes.

Reporter 2: Where are they?

S.A.: In the hold. Avast! [Wipes parrot poop off shoulder.] I told them I wanted to use an inflatable parrot. You know, like Clouseau in that movie? This thing isn't trained.

Reporter 1: Why are you wearing an eye patch?

S.A.: It's piratey. Also the parrot pecked my eye.

Reporter 3: Aren't you afraid of the U.S. Navy? The Russians?

S.A.: No. We've got the tanks, remember. Putin does scare me though.

[Puts hand to earpiece, tilts head.]

Wait, hold on a second. [Nods head.] Right, right. Jolly Roger, over and out. OK, so listen, I've just gotten word that we've decided to reduce our demands. I'm just the messenger here, so I can't get too much into specifics, but let's just say that we need lots of limes and boat-load of cannonballs.

Reporter 2: Why? What about the ten thousand?

S.A.: Forget about that. We've just had word that the U.S. Treasury department is going to float the banks a huge loan. Now that's what I call a target for boarding! Praise Blackbeard!

Reporter 2: What are you going to do if they pay the ransom?

S.A.: Take a Disney cruise. The kids have been bugging me.